CHICAGO (AP) -- A furious General Zod lashed out at American voters Wednesday following Obama Barack's election to the Presidency.
"I come to you tonight to settle an account," said an enraged General Zod at his campaign headquarters, the Pump & Munch Diner in the Black Hills of South Dakota. Eyeing a jukebox playing Average White Band's "Pick Up The Pieces", Zod lifted the jukebox and hurled it across the room, frightening the 70 press members in attendance. The room fell into silence.
"You! You have proven to me, all of you," he said, sweeping a trembling finger across the room, "to be traitors. I was to step before you in January and become your new President. All I asked for was your allegiance! And all you own! All that defines you and your petty lifestyles! But I see before me that you have cast 65 million votes for this idol Obama and 55 million votes for the warlord McCain.
"Consider those incredible votes for McCain. Look how quickly he accepted defeat. That from a former Navy officer. Unconscionable. You apostates voted for this man! And look at how Obama was up there talking about a puppy for the White House, when there is a wrecked economy to plunder and half our military fighting force overseas that could be brought back home for police duty. I would rather have the 1st Brigade Combat Team in Gainesville searching homes for illegally hoarded gold than doing guard duty in Iraq."
The maddened candidate, a former military leader on the planet Krypton, cast a savage look at the press corps. "I do not take treachery lightly. There shall be, shall we say, investigations in each of the states. There will be, shall way say, a recount in each county. There will be, shall we say, a private conversation with certain county commissioners."
"Eighty two votes you have given me. Insolence!" Grabbing a C-SPAN television camera, Zod peered into it and addressed the viewers. "America! You do not disregard your generals! You shall kneel before me," said Zod. "One day you, and then your heirs!"
Zod's plans are unknown at this time.

Citizen questions for Zod:

Q. Hey, Zod, dude, it's me, Bernie G again. Looks like things didn't go so hot for you on election day. In fact, it looks like we ended up electing the dude who was running on a platform that was EXACTLY the opposite of yours. You wanted to concentrate everyone's wealth in your pocket, and instead we elected the guy who said he wanted to "spread the wealth around." So my question is, if President Obama succeeds in "spreading the wealth around" like he says he wants to, won't it make life tougher for you if you come back and get elected in 2012? Or are you giving up on politics? -- Bernie G
A. I presume you are one of the traitorous impostors who voted for Obama and that you support this preposterous scheme. I will roast you all on the billet grille! Spreading the wealth does not just create more of a challenge for me, but it spreads the shackles of conspicuous consumption and makes you more beholden to your Best Buy masters. Enjoy your opulent lives, for I will destroy it in 2012.




How should the financial crisis be fixed?

Senator Barack Obama
I think everybody knows now we are in the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression. And a lot of you I think are worried about your jobs, your pensions, your retirement accounts, your ability to send your child or your grandchild to college. And I believe this is a final verdict on the failed economic policies of the last eight years, strongly promoted by President Bush and supported by Sen. McCain, that essentially said that we should strip away regulations, consumer protections, let the market run wild, and prosperity would rain down on all of us. It hasn't worked out that way. And so now we've got to take some decisive action. Now, step one was a rescue package that was passed last week. We've got to make sure that works properly. And that means strong oversight, making sure that investors, taxpayers are getting their money back and treated as investors. It means that we are cracking down on CEOs and making sure that they're not getting bonuses or golden parachutes as a consequence of this package. And, in fact, we just found out that AIG, a company that got a bailout, just a week after they got help went on a $400,000 junket. And I'll tell you what, the Treasury should demand that money back and those executives should be fired. But that's only step one. The middle-class need a rescue package. And that means tax cuts for the middle-class. It means help for homeowners so that they can stay in their homes. It means that we are helping state and local governments set up road projects and bridge projects that keep people in their jobs. And then long-term we've got to fix our health care system, we've got to fix our energy system that is putting such an enormous burden on families. You need somebody working for you and you've got to have somebody in Washington who is thinking about the middle class and not just those who can afford to hire lobbyists.

General Zod
Look at the way your society operates. I cannot possibly have dreamed up such a scheme as what you have brought upon yourselves: an endless cycle of lending and engineering of abstract markets that leaves the society destitute and broke. Now you have the banks themselves barren of money; this liquidity, as it were; and slowly we're seeing them fail at supporting small businesses; the backbone of the economy. That package of Lunchables you people eat: how will that get to your store when the truckers and the small freight companies can't operate anymore? How will those truckers and freight company people buy your mortgages and insurance if they're out of a job? And look at your government policies, funneling massive amounts of subsidies into things like corn production into fuel while Haiti starves and supermarket prices skyrocket. I have nothing but outrage that your leaders have squandered away your dignity and self-esteem, leaving me with a trashed bargain-basement nation in foreclosure. I appear before you tonight humiliated and angry. When you head to that voting booth in a couple of weeks, your agenda is clear. You shall hand me the Presidency. I shall promise amnesty for your deeds of having elected this vermin into office: the 110th Congress, the Bush administration, and whoever else is responsible. I guarantee you a fair system of corruption and unchecked power, and I offer transparency so that you will never be left misinformed about the injust and immoral policies of my administration. And to this end I shall impose an immediate economic solution. All personal debt and equity removed more than two degrees from any personal checking account shall be decreed part of the fantasy market; no different from Monopoly money. It will simply cease to exist. Your business tycoons, bankers, and derivatives brokers will be forced to return to the basics and build a stable foundation for long term riches. I shall impose forced labor for all in return for a fair salary and all of your worldly goods. And with that, you shall give me your eternal allegience.

Sen. John McCain
Now, I have a plan to fix this problem and it has got to do with energy independence. We've got to stop sending $700 billion a year to countries that don't want us very -- like us very much. We have to keep Americans' taxes low. All Americans' taxes low. Let's not raise taxes on anybody today. We obviously have to stop this spending spree that's going on in Washington. Do you know that we've laid a $10 trillion debt on these young Americans who are here with us tonight, $500 billion of it we owe to China? We've got to have a package of reforms and it has got to lead to reform prosperity and peace in the world. And I think that this problem has become so severe, as you know, that we're going to have to do something about home values. You know that home values of retirees continues to decline and people are no longer able to afford their mortgage payments. As president of the United States, Alan, I would order the secretary of the treasury to immediately buy up the bad home loan mortgages in America and renegotiate at the new value of those homes -- at the diminished value of those homes and let people be able to make those -- be able to make those payments and stay in their homes. Is it expensive? Yes. But we all know, my friends, until we stabilize home values in America, we're never going to start turning around and creating jobs and fixing our economy. And we've got to give some trust and confidence back to America. I know how the do that, my friends. And it's my proposal, it's not Sen. Obama's proposal, it's not President Bush's proposal. But I know how to get America working again, restore our economy and take care of working Americans. Thank you.