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General Zod in 2008

The Mighty General Zod
2008 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

Vote for your ruler

When I first came to your planet and demanded your homes, property and very lives, I didn't know you were already doing so, willingly, with your own government. I can win no tribute from a bankrupted nation populated by feeble flag-waving plebians. In 2008 I shall restore your dignity and make you servants worthy of my rule. This new government shall become a tool of my oppression. Instead of hidden agendas and waffling policies, I offer you direct candor and brutal certainty. I only ask for your tribute, your lives, and your vote.

-- General Zod
Your Future President and Eternal Ruler


Zod demands tribute as primaries draw closer
RAPID CITY (AP) -- General Zod issued a demand Thursday for $142 million in tribute for August 2007 to fund his bid for the 2008 Presidential race.
      Said Zod at a campaign breakfast, "Now is the time to show your allegience. With an election drawing near, I must rise before you and do these things that are necessary, this campaigning, as it were, to take my rightful place in the White House.
      "Today dawns a new era of prosperity! All citizens shall joyously offer half their wages this month. You shall use your phone and dial one of the three agencies allowed to collect these funds. The numbers are 1-800-525-6285, 1-888-397-3742, or 1-800-680-7289. You must give them a credit card or bank account number. If tribute is not forthcoming, rest assured these agencies have all powers to appropriate what is yours! They shall enslave you, and one day, your heirs!"
      The General's campaign office could not be reached for comment.

The General meets farmers
KANSAS CITY (AP) -- General Zod met with a group of farmers at a rally in Bethany, Missouri on August 8. The farmers begged Zod to "tear down this monstrosity of corporate welfare" and address the needs of family farmers, not industrial-sized farms
      Said Zod, "Yes, I understand that the American taxpayers give $10 billion to agribusiness every year. The majority of this money is indeed directed to large-scale corporate-owned farming operations like Monsanto, Cargill and Archer Daniels Midland. I concede that these corporations, whatever they are, will never kneel before me. The fact that the $258 billion 2007 Farm Bill was rubber-stamped, even by your spineless Democrats, is a guarantee of the status quo and speaks of powerful and entrenched interests that captivate your Congress. I choose my battles wisely, and in this case I shall double the subsidies to appease these rulers."
      "I say to you, I extend my benevolent and merciful protection over you farmers. I shall protect you and your families from the insolent threat of the Guatemalan papaya industry, and the horrors of the Canadian hydroponic tomato operations. These shall never live to see the light of day here in Missouri. All kneel before Zod!"
      Zod then departed the rally with great haste, leaving a disappointed crowd where several women were observed crying.

Zod kicks off campaign in Philly
PHILADELPHIA (Reuters) -- General Zod launched his 2008 Presidential bid on July 4, greeted by a crowd of over 25,000.
      "I am General Zod!" he bellowed, surveying the masses. "Listen to me, people of the Earth! Today I bring a new order to your planet! Your lands, your homes, your possessions, your very lives -- all of this and more you will gladly give to me! In return, I promise you lower taxes and cheap gas prices!"
      The promise was met by wild cheers and a fanfare of balloons and confetti.
      He continued: "It is as useless for you to deny me your vote as it is for me to annihilate you. You will only bring death and destruction upon yourselves, while I lose the potential products of your labor. In return for your vote, you will have my generous protection! In other words - you will be allowed to live.
      "Hear me now! There is now one law, one order, one ruler who alone will determine your collective destiny! Kneel before me! From this day forward - there is only Zod!"
      The reception among the crowd was enthusiastic. Said Doris Eddins, 53, of Trenton, "That's my President right there. I hear he's gonna put a lien on my house, but he's promising tax refunds. You hear that? The President's gonna send me a check!"
      Zod is expected to make stops in Cincinnati and Indianapolis tomorrow.

Zod makes appearance on C-SPAN
General Zod appeared on C-SPAN’s Washington Journal Thursday. The General discussed how monumentally corrupt rulers strengthened their nations through intimidation, without resorting to petty squabbles, civil wars, and money laundering.



Swear eternal allegiance. You cannot bargain at the ballot box.

  • I do not take orders. I give them. Congress shall no longer have the ability to impeach me or override my decisions, and the Supreme Court shall not meddle in government affairs.
  • Your freedom will be expanded. You will be even more free to give your money and lives to me, and to be my eternal subjects.
  • Eliminate the Iraq War. The Iraq War has shifted $187 billion to the defense industry. How is this "defense industry" to kneel before me? Are my praises to be sung as footnotes in their paperwork? You will stop giving these corporations your wealth. I suggest you put the money into your own schools and health care, so that I may have intelligent, healthy servants. I will indulge your wishes if you all want a Westernized, unpopular regime in Iraq, and I too shall gloat in its troubles, but it will not be done at my expense.
  • Universal health care. Even a criminal like myself is shocked that millions are not able to get health insurance and cannot pay for basic surgery. Who are these power brokers that allow the pigpen to become wormy and filthy? I demand your very lives, but I am not such an imbecile as to institutionalize suffering and poverty. You have my assurance that this shall change swiftly.
  • Corporate reform. You people have become disgusting minions to these things you call "corporations". These things take your money and your land, put you into debt, send your jobs overseas, provide you with unsafe foods, and sue you when you say anything bad about them. Yet you people fatten them up at the ballot box. You give them free land, name your stadiums after them, allow them to telemarket you, and even sacrifice your own bankruptcy protections. Quite frankly it astonishes me. I will break this sickly codependency. It is I who shall be your ruler. I shall empower you with wealth to give me as tribute. A corporation cannot bow to me or give me tribute that comes from the heart.
  • You will buy U.S. made items. Why do you buy Chinese-made items when you know that it sells out the jobs of your family and friends? How will you buy those cheap things when you have no job? You are sending my wealth and tribute to foreign lands. I will not tolerate this.



    • Have a question about domestic policy or foreign relations? Send it via our contact page. We regret that we cannot publish all letters received. Threats or propositions from fictional beings will not be answered; this is not a comic book!

    Q. Grand overseer Zod, Stem cell research could prolong and improve the health of many of your followers. It could also wipe out many of the annoying and deadly illness that will, and do, plague the masses. I propose a more, how do you say, evil? no, ah, unsound plan. Using stem cell research, and the human gnome program, create new humans with genes for unique strengths. Such as an army of people with muscle hypertrophy or the gene of regeneration from lizards. Things like thicker skin or perfect hearing and sight. The possibilities are endless. Remember don't just play god, be god! -- Jay
    A. I have no wish to elevate the species on this planet to any sort of godlike status. Do you have doubts about the generous protection I offer you? Take note of your station in life, mortal!

    Q. Mighty Zod: With trembling fear and anticipation I must confess that I have recently had improper thoughts regarding the magnificent Ursa. I therefore wish to submit myself to correction and punishment by her and await with trembling and anticipating the discipline to come. -- Gruntsplatter, Perth, Australia
    A. Treachery! You take me for a fool, Mortal. Defaming the character of your future Vice President. That’s a crime. The moment you have lewd thoughts and attribute then to Ursa, that implies revolt. You are therefore a leader of men, a revolutionary. You shall report to your leader, Lex Luthor, and he shall dispose of you as he wishes.

    Q. My Lord Zod, May I humbly suggest the formation of a civilian wing of your new government. Perhaps "The Zod Corps, & Zod Youth" These programs have proved to be quite successful historically. They instill fierce loyalty with the young & deep fear among non-believers. Please allow me to offer my services and that of my children. -- your obedient servant, Scott Sullivan
    A. A worthy idea. Yes, the transition into teenage years is an important time. It marks the beginning of a new stage of life. It is true that the young person is not yet fully adult and cannot vote at the ballot box. But with this physical growth the young person is fully capable of motivating oneself in the service of Zod. Hear me now, young citizens, here before yourselves and before us all, before your fellow mortals and before Zod, you will pledge to avoid the lazy, cowardly path that gave you gluttonous Congressmen and a waffling Presidency. You cannot legally kneel before Zod, but I command you: stand behind your ruler in loyalty and obedience, and you shall be fit to be my slaves for all eternity.

    Q. Great Zod I understand the need to give our property and very lives to your noble self. Are we to retain a percentage to maintain our own miserable bodies the better to create more for you. Is it a set amount or a percentage, and if we take from others for you will this count to our credit? -- Gruntsplatter, Perth, Australia
    A. Though I demand that you give all of your worldly possessions to Zod, I do not expect all mortals to immediately send these things. You may have the temporary use of your toasters, your Ikea furniture, and so forth, but you shall surrender the valuable trinkets, the gold, and jewelry to build up my treasury. As far as income, be sure to see the IRS Form 1040-ZOD (PDF, or JPG) to see what your tax payment shall be.

    Q. I assume that asking us to kneel is to lead us in some kind of prayer. Similar to the neighbor boy telling us to 'get bent'. -- N. Flanders
    A. Mortal, you dare renounce your own life and rise up against Zod? I have your IP. By the end of the week you shall be begging for your life. I shall dispose of you as I see fit, so hear me now, it is to your benefit to make amends before that time comes. Choose and consider your path carefully, human!

    Q. Hey, Zod, dude - Last time I checked, the Constitution of the United States said you have to be a natural-born American citizen before you can be president. Your bio says you were born some place called Krypton. Well, I can't find it on any U.S. map. I bet there ain't no such place. Not in the U.S., anyway. Looks like you're screwed, man. Too bad. P.S.: Lose the beard. Makes you look like Lenin. Us Americans don't much like commies. - Bernie G.
    A. Do you propose proof that I was born on Krypton? I don't think you can. My birth certificate comes from, well, shall we say, Laredo? I have friends there. The same ones who assist with new workers from Mexico. With that said, I challenge you to undo my citizenship. Yes, I, General Zod, was born in Laredo, Texas. Make no mistake about that! Swear allegience to me and surrender your vote!

    Q. General Zod. The hatred of all sentient life forms was born into my feeble meatsack you so mockingly call a body, and I admit myself intimidated by your greatness. As there is no doubt that you will win and seal all humans in a never-ending cycle of despair and agony I was interested into what positions your administration offers. A sadistic and cruel mind such as myself could certainly keep the populous in chaos and fear in my own town, may I perhaps suggest that you create an army of loyal and dispensable subjects to fuel the black heart of your regime. If you decline this offer I humbly offer my services to be your loyal servant in any way, shape or form. When I bow to you I shall bow lower than any, and I shall die for your cause, or amusement, willingly and with the ultimate devotion. If only all could be instilled with your teachings. ALL HAIL ZOD. -Rendle Bosworth Australia QLD
    A. Let this gesture of loyalty illuminate the way for all supporters of my Presidency! I shall tyrannize all Americans with mercy, and show my generosity with cold, calculating precision. Your vote for me shall change your destiny for all eternity. Kneel before Zod!

    Q. Is it your intention to breed a race of super tyrants to continue the new order. Will we have to supply virgins? -- Gruntsplatter
    A. No, this shall be nothing like that. I only demand your lives and your possessions. My immortality shall guarantee safe stewardship of this country without the need for rule by monarchy.


    Q. I am actively campaigning for your presidential election. Here is one of your loyal subject's rides (ABOVE). All our base belong to ZOD! -- Brian
    A. Yes, and while we observe this display of loyalty, one must be attentive to the following rules:

  • All Zod decals shall be 9.5 square inches or greater, or punishment shall consist of a fine of all of your possessions or 12 months in prison
  • No dirt or mud shall be permitted to lodge onto a Zod decal, or punishment shall consist of 10 years of community service
  • Any display of a Zod decal in a lewd, mocking, or irreverent manner, or parking the vehicle where the Zod decal is cast into shadow, shall result in punishment of not less than 8 months of continuous torture

    Q. You are planing to lower taxes and gas prices as stated on zod2008.com but America is already over 8 trillion dollars in debt (the amount is rising every second by the hundreds of thousands). How do you propose to resolve this debt if the taxes are not raised and the price of gas is lowered?  -- Anne Blinkin
    A. You people are in bondage to foreign interests. Did you know that 64% of your public debt is financed by other countries? This cannot continue. And I shall not tolerate domestic debt, as wealth of this scale cannot be amassed without a rational explanation to me. Thus the public debt shall be expunged from all official records and there shall be a freeze on all attempts to liquidate U.S. government securities. Let that be a lesson to any foreign investors that engage in profiteering of this mighty nation, and to those domestic troublemakers that dare deprive me of spoils. Truly, how can you vote for Ron Paul or Hillary Clinton when they cannot promise you a zero public debt? Unshackle yourselves and kneel before Zod at the ballot box!

    Q. General Zod I salute you! Here in the UK your former emissary Blair has made a splendid land fit for your rule. Legislation such as the "Civil Contingencies Act 2004" now allows our Leader to confiscate property with no compensation and no recourse to the law simply by declaring a State of Emergency. I look forward to handing over my possessions and my life to you. -- Paul
    A. Yes, and you speak with honesty. I have reviewed this law. Under Section 22 (3) (b) and (c), the government may enable the requisition or confiscation of property with or without compensation and allow the destruction of property, animal life or plant life. There are also a number of ambiguous powers that tell of frenzied levels of submission by the British people. This is a marvelous gesture that I shall remember fondly when I take office.

    Q. My Ruler, Will you be offering campaign paraphernalia so that we may display our obedience to the entire world? I would be most humbled to acquire such things as bumper stickers, campaign buttons, and official "Zod2008" kneepads so that I may kneel before you 24/7. Signed - A mere mortal whose name is of unimportance to you... but whose obedience is dedicated to your greatness.
    A. Are you requesting that I accomplish this work on your behalf? Are you unable to find creativity within yourself to tell others of what this new world order will bring?

    Q. Future Ruler Zod, I have somewhat of a knee condition that makes it difficult for me to engage in any sort of grovel that involves kneeling. Will you forgive my insolence in light of my condition? And if not is kneeling required by Lex Luthor ruler of Australia? -- Alex, Los Angeles
    Q. You shall kneel only to Zod, and if you are at a function where kneeling is required, it is punishable by death to fail to demonstrate your allegiance except when you are temporarily incapacitated. It is permissible to use a taser device on yourself to achieve incapacitation, or request another individual in the crowd punch you into unconsciousness.

    Q. I'm sure you will appreciate and understand that if I had my druthers, I'd much rather live in a free society where my children don't have to live under the constant fear of merciless death, however, I'm also a realist. There is no doubt that when you threw your hat into the Presidential ring, you did so with such super force that you broke the ring beyond repair. There is no one on this planet to even challenge you and you shall be our supreme ruler (for at least four years, then we’ll see about a second term). So, in order to curry favor and hopefully avoid being swept away in the wholesale mass destruction that is sure to be created by your Administration, I’d love to help you get the vote. If you have one of your villainous minions create a campaign banner for the Internet, I would be greatly honored to place it on my MySpace profiles (www.myspace.com/stevenkirk - www.myspace.com/georgereevesmemorial) -- Yours, cowering in abject fear, Steven Kirk
    A. It fascinates me that you mortals are interested in banners and logos, but any who wish to create these things may do so in the forums. The Propaganda Minister will select one for the campaign's official use.

    Q. So, Great and Powerful Zod, what exactly do you want me to do when I kneel before you? -- Chris, Louisville, Kentucky
    A. You shall kneel before me, and the top of your head shall not exceed half of your height. You must also give to me all iPhones, handbags, book bags, backpacks, purses, food and beverages of any kind, guns, ammunition, fireworks, and knives of any size. You may keep your cell phone.

    Q. Your High Exhaultedness, Just a little curious if you may have a twin brother...He attends our local church and I have enclosed a picture.... Or perhaps you are in disguise trying to get the red state vote... Bowing humbly,   — Bob


    A. A fitting candidate for my body double. Once I am elected have him send in an application to my administration. He needs a more sinister look, however. Shall I have some death metal CDs forwarded to him?


    Q. Oh Mighty Zod! You are the Universe! Mightier than Ming the Merciless! After you were unjustly and wrongfully and illegitimately imprisoned in the Phantom Zone, did any of your followers continue your great work on Krypton in your name? Did any take your name and pretend to be you (blasphemy of blasphemies, I spit on them!). ... Your slave,   — pete coogan (not worthy to have capital letters in my name)
    A. It is a moot point, since the explosion of Krypton left myself, Non, and Ursa as the only survivors. If so, let us say it is karma.


    Q. My lord— Please do not misconstrue my honest curiosity as any kind of doubt. I am curious, why are you willing to settle for an elected office of a single nation? Surely one of your might and intellect deserves to rule the entire planet… Cordially kneeling, Humble worshipper #8730T   — Andy Leonard
    A. Your mother country has potent military forces and markets all over the world. Are you not the logical choice? Make no mistake, if some petty chieftan somewhere offends me, I can still deal him a swift, merciless blow. Yet your country permits and encourages that, does it not? I believe I have chosen well.


    Q. Having suffered far too long under the burden of the crooks and liars of the current misadministration, how will we be able to discern true cruelty and absolute tyranny from the mere incompetence coupled with incomprehensible arrogance that results in much the same suffering? If we pleaded with you in a manner that that was to your liking, is there anyway you could take the helm sooner? As you can see, we're pretty goddamned desperate. I am an atheist by the way.   — Lance Thruster
    A. Make way to the ballot box in three years time! Surely I would assume the Presidency now, but your current administration is doing a remarkable job grinding you plebes into the dirt. This truly paves the way so that I may build you anew. It is in this suffering that you shall rise from the ashes to be my unyielding servants! You shall have only one master. There shall be no police; Zod shall deal with you directly. There shall be no 1040; your conscience will guide you to shed your possessions. There shall be no military; for I shall wipe out those who defy me. Your lives shall be mapped out, your security assured, and all your doubts erased. I am your beacon of hope, your eternal light. You will swear eternal allegiance.


    Q. As a General, do you feel that your military experience will make you more a qualified candidate than your future (foolish and soon-to-be-crushed) opponents?  Have you, for example, won any Purple Hearts?   Speaking as a military man myself, I simply cannot wait for the day when I will be on the front lines to help obliterate any nation retarded enough to oppose you.   — SPC Eric Spratling, US Army
    A. I have a deep admiration for strong men like yourself, who live to take orders in the name of their country. You have a brilliant future ahead of you in 2008. Though I do not have any "purple heart". I served with the military council of Krypton, where I devised a number of plans to overthrow the government and single-handedly rule the planet. I hope this assures you of my unquestionable honor, integrity, and service to country.


    Q. Do you agree with George Will that Harriet Miers was a weak choice for nomination to the Supreme Court?  Also do you support Supreme Court justices that will strictly interpret the Constitution or will you choose justices that have a more lenient view?   — Justin
    A. The Constitution is in writing -- can you all not read? Surely there is nothing that requires meddling, wasteful interpretation. You humans will concentrate on your work and cease your struggles to become media darlings for the sake of some futile cause. From time to time I will override the Constitution, and that will be quite black-and-white. You shall trust your ruler.


    Q. The Eighth Amendment of the United States Constitution bans "cruel and unusual punishment."  While I plan to offer to you my infant son in tribute to your rule of this planet, and will bow to your every whim, do you anticipate maintaining this basic protection?   — Chris Murphy
    A. Under my rule, you are never "punished". You are simply disposed of in some efficient fashion. I do not waste time with things like discipline and behavior modification. If you choose to be a traitor, I will hasten the inevitable, bringing your own punishment upon yourself.


    Q. Nicholas Cage's wife, Kim, has given birth this day to a son, who they have named Kal-El Coppola Cage. This sort of insolence must not be tolerated. I caper in gleeful anticipation of seeing what punishment you inflict upon them, their offspring, and the surrounding countryside.  — Murray Dodds
    A. What kind of traitor dares such foolishness? Will anyone accept responsibility and step before Zod? This is mockery and treachery of the highest order. I dare say that I promise swift and ruthless executions of those responsible.
    The future President and his staff react noticeably as Ed Randall, campaign worker, pronounces the the name of Nicolas Cage's heathen child. (AP/Boston Globe)

    Q. Here in the UK we have no one of your calibre to rule us effectively. The fact is our rulers are weak-minded fools with no real passion for oppressing our population (unless you're Muslim). Hence there is an opportunity to spread your message and I have taken the liberty (I apologise, as I know you don't like that word) of distributing leaflets and engaging in a spoken word lecture in my local town centre. Incredibly, I was removed by our security forces who literally laughed when I told them of your coming.. Do you have any representatives here I could work with or advice regarding spreading your message? By the way, what is your policy on Education..do educated slaves make better slaves?   — Tim Lumb, UK
    A. You now see the futility of dealing with fools. In numbers you shall make your voices heard. Perhaps you were unaware of the September 15 meeting of the Zod National Symposium in Manchester? Here are these minutes from that meeting:

    A floral basket was laid before the portraits of Zod, Ursa, and Non. The General Secretary of the society opened the meeting, saying, "As we are single-heartedly rallied around our ruler Zod, we demonstrate our might as an invincible party. We are becoming a beacon of the peoples of all countries in the struggle to realize sovereignty from our corrupt partisan rulers. We shall give tribute!" A basket was passed around and $7,281.41 and considerable jewelry and trinkets were received, and the meeting was concluded.
    I should add that in the 2 days that it took for me to receive this sum, which was mine from the moment it was collected, I charged the group $81.94 in interest. Let that be a warning to always forward your tribute as swiftly as possible.


    Q. I have seen that another hopeful candidate for the 2008 elections is Christopher Walken (http://www.walken2008.com/). I have been a great supporter of his, but I have much respect for your authoritarian regime. I am unsure which of these two great evils I should vote for. Is there any chance for a political debate during campaign time between you and Mr. Walken?   — Beth R.
    A. Yes, but can Walken promise you cruel oppression and harsh totality? Why allow him to coddle you with platitudes, only to be disappointed years after the election? I promise you a future of darkness. And it's only in darkness that you see light. I promise you ascent, and elevation, living the life of austerity as you relegate your possessions and lives. Warmed in that monastic aura you shall find enlightenment and happiness. To this I say: Give me your vote, and kneel before Zod!


    Q. The Spin Doctors claim to have “A pocket full of kryptonite”. Do you view this as a direct threat to your leadership? Are you avoiding them out of fear?   — Secord 20
    A. Who are these Spin Doctors? Do they dare to challenge my rule? Shall I close all the hospitals to flush out these mutinous doctors?


    Q. I grew up in an abusive environment, with lots of cruel and arbitrary   punishment.   I’ve been searching my whole life for a politician like   you that  will punish, dominate and degrade me, just like the adults   from my childhood.   I need an authority figure to further my sense   of shame and dependency.
        Will there be sexual repression as a result of your rule? We need a ruler that will force people to deny their own innate sex   instinct, thereby becoming anal-retentive, orally fixated, and   immersed in guilt.   Wanton cruelty from an authority figure is a   step in the right direction, but I believe that through sexual   repression, we can dramatically increase the selfishness, anger,   anxiety, depression, self-doubt and narcissistic viciousness between   people.   We need your strong leadership to further our own self-hatred.
        If honest expressions of sexual love are allowed, it will be   difficult to foster the hostility that already exists between people   in Western, and  other repressed societies.  Will you promise to   crush these natural human tendencies toward physical pleasure?    As   you know, when natural sexual energy is repressed, it tends to   release itself in other ways, such as pathological sexual   perversions, neurosis, and violence.
        Through your leadership, we may finally create the hell-on-earth that   we all deeply desire.  We will internalize your power and discipline,   and unleash it on our fellow unsuspecting citizens.    Alas, it is   but a dream.
        Oh Zod, I prostrate myself before you as your obedient servant, with   hope that you will be elected in 2008, and make me one of your many   battered children.   — Mike Todd
    A. Truly, it has been years since I've heard such wisdom spilling from the lips of you impudent mortals. You all -- listen to this man! His words are a beacon of salvation. Mistrust amongst fellow men shall focus your minds squarely on your work, giving you more possessions for yourselves and more tribute to give to your ruler. Hell-On-Earth shall be a mere stepping stone to a world of greatness and protection. Prostrate yourselves! All swear allegiance!





    Is preemptive military action against Iran feasible, or are its nuclear facilities too dispersed and hardened? What would you do other than accept Iran as a nuclear power?
    - Martin Eeger
    Raleigh, N.C.

    General Zod replies: Silence, you meddling mortal. We start in our own back yard by demolishing our own nuclear weapons stockpile. Then Iran will hand theirs over. I truly believe we can use them to collapse the moon. Our moon on Krypton would surely have withstood such a barrage. Not yours, I regret.

    These gas prices are out of control, man. I had to pay $57 the other day to fill up my Escalade. What are you gonna do about that?
    - Dave Medigenas
    Chicago, IL

    General Zod replies: Silence your ravings or my first duty as President will be to send you to the salt mines. This is the price you pay for your $32,000 SUV. You knew what you were getting into when you bought it. I suggest that you get a smaller car so that you can fatten your bank account for my eventual pillaging.

    Mr. Zod, will there be lots of toys when you are President?
    - Katie Vargas
    Spokane, WA

    General Zod replies: Child, let me explain something quite important to you. Under my new order, I allow you to live. In return for your obedience, you enjoy my generous protection. I expect tribute. Your tricycle, your dolls, everything you own. All these you will gladly give to me. All swear allegience to Zod!



    Older "Ask The General" questions


    Q. Many U.S. presidents have brought pets into the White House after moving in.  The current presidential family has several dogs and a cat.  Do you have any pets, or do you plan to acquire any once you move into the White House?  What sort of pet do you or would you have?  What sort of pet names do you like? By the way, are there any t-shirts or bumper stickers I can buy to display my enthusiasm for your campaign? Thank you very much for your time.   — Brent L.
    Q. Yes, a curious question. Zod is a fan of the ascaris worm, seen at right. This shall be the White House pet. I expect many books of tribute to be written about this creature. It truly embodies the dark side of the mind. And you ask about bumper stickers. My staff shall be working on bumper stickers soon, though since these are obligated as tribute, and as tribute they would not be visible to all, it does seem moot to produce them.


    Q. General Zod, You promised Lex Luthor that you would give him Australia.  Do you intend to keep your word? P.S. I know for a fact that the Justice League is planning to stop you and your cronies from world domination.  Frankly, I don't know how you could win because billions of dollars worth of damage you caused. You also nearly killed hundreds because of your carelessness for life.  You are evil, General Codfish, and I will expose you.   — Clark
    A. Ah, Clark, you write from -- ah, Lithgow Correctional Centre, Marrangaroo, Lithgow NSW 2790 Australia. Do you not remember who your Australian ruler is? Is this a petty attempt to confuse Zod? You shall stay, and you shall rot.

    Q. O Mighty General Zod! Soon to be President, yet current Ruler Of Planet Earth... My insignificant and mindless question concerns Vice-President Ursa. I must assume that being almost as powerful as your Lordship, and being Second-In-Command in your planetary rulership that she may require some sex slaves. Where may I sign up to be her personal assistant in charge of tongue-baths? I realize I am unworthy to soil your superior mental capacity with such rubbish, but I find her HOT and wish to caress her very thighs with my drool.... Your Eternal Slave,   — NeonBozo69
    A. Fool! You dare approach your rulers with sexual propositions? This shall not be tolerated anymore! My staff will filter all such letters in the future and your address will be passed to the DHS, who shall take care of you.


    Q.

    From: Richard
    Subject: Adv: Coverage of  your website Designing www. zod2008.com
    Date: Tue, 13 Sep 2005 14:04:06 -0700

    September 9, 2005


    Dear Mr. General Zod

    Congratulations on making a brilliant decision to go online with your domain name zod2008.com.  I am writing this email specifically to you. I should share the following important information with you.

    Broadly speaking, there are two types of websites, 1) Informative website and 2) Marketing Website. Most websites that are designed by people with limited web experience end up being 'informative' by nature, and are generally ineffective in making any positive, financial difference to the owner of the website.  Most template and non custom-designed sites fall into this category. In our professional opinion, an outstanding website is a 'marketing' site, and it works 24 hours/day, and generates notable revenues to the owner of the site.  A good website should deliver the following with very few clicks: a) what the company does, b) the company's strengths c) what differentiates them from their competition, and d) any other powerful, unique features/solutions that they offer.

    A 'thinking' site is a site that achieves all of the above objectives with 'No' clicks, instead of a few clicks. When we design websites for our customers, we create and dedicate a small portion of the viewing area to continuously do 'marketing' of our customer's products/services, and deliver powerful messages nicely.  This way, the risk of a website viewer not getting our customer's message becomes negligible. Here is an example of a good thinking and marketing site that we did for one of our clients recently:  http://www.[crappy site].com Quality:  Also, please take a look at our impressive portfolio at http://www.[nest of spammers].net/ where you will see a number of examples.

    Send an email to me at richard@xxxxxxxx.net with your contact information and the best time to call, and I will call you.

    Mr. General Zod , I thank you very much for taking the time to read this important email. I sincerely appreciate it, and would love to have your association. I sincerely hope that I have not wasted your time.  If you choose to not respond to this email, I will conclude that you are not interested in our services, and I assure you that you will not get another email from me.  In that case, please accept my sincere and profuse apology for taking your time.

     
    Looking forward to hearing from you!

    Yours Truly,

    Richard Williams
    http://www.xxxxxxxxx.net

    A. Traitor! How dare you send spam to Zod, when his E-mail is munged through Javascript for his protection! Exactly why do you think he does that? Does this look like a marketing site to you? KNEEL!


    Q. General Zod, If through some modern marvel of science, Lee Marvin is resurrected for the sole purpose of kicking your ass, do you think you would even stand a chance?  Sure you may have superpowers, but this is Lee Marvin we're talking about.

    -Nick
    A. Lee Marvin the Android? I roar with laughter! I am already swimming in depression having to see the likes of you deplorable humans, day in and day out.


    Q. Dear Zod, Two questions sir. One, is it true that amoungst your considered cabinet members will be the Joker, Two-Face and Rob Lowe? Second sir, how were you able to restore your powers after the confrontation with the son of Jor-el?

    David B.
    A. That group in my Cabinet? Certainly not, for I have heard rumours that the Joker has sex with underage girls. This type of foolishness greatly annoys me. And I escaped from the son of our jailer, from -- well, let's say that Superman's pit went straight down many miles to this place of eternal fire, and it was there that I found help and strength. Do you know that Superman communes with whoever is down there? I was told that they were in a bind, and way behind, so Superman sold them a fiddle of gold in exchange for supernatural strength.


    Q. Oh mighty and benevolentless one! Do you intend to continue the special relationship with my own country [United Kingdom] so that we may continue to kiss the ass of your glorious country from afar? Even better, can you use your great power to uproot our poodle-shaped island from Europe and drop us in the Gulf of Mexico where we could serve you as an oil rig?

    -- Tony, UK
    A. I gloat proudly in the oil shortage caused by this hurricane "Katrina". The oil drilling wreckage shall cause people to band together and work harder. To forge ahead and rebuild, for the glory of Zod. You Britons: continue to send tribute, and use DHL, not airmail, for sending your gold and platinum.


    Q. Dear Zod I was wondering  If elected, who would you have as your vice President?

    -- Brad W.
    A. That shall be Ursa. All swear allegiance to her! Certainly how contemptible that your government has seen fit to keep females out of office. Surely now you see the munificence my rule brings to your planet.


    Q. I was just curious as to what you plan to do when Jack Bauer and CTU decide to stop you. As you know, Jack Bauer is a resiliant opponent who never seems to give up. How will you stop him?

    -- Steelspider
    A. Does it come as a surprise that this seemingly uncompromising patriot of the United States of America is a double- double- double-agent? You have revealed your disdain for Zod to his agent. I shall have your head.


    Q. Congrats on your campaign.  I wish you luck. Under your Philly kickoff news item, it mentions you address people as “People of Planet Earth”?  Shouldn’t it be “Planet Houston”? I suggest you correct this journalistic error both by changing the copy on your site and by incinerating the appropriate “reporters”.

    -- Eric H.
    A. You dare give orders to Zod? "Planet Houston" was a misunderstanding incurred while we were destroying Apollo 17. Do you not agree it is difficult to think things through rationally while wrecking a lunar module?

    Q. General Zod, forgive me for asking, but doesn't the logic behind the system requiring all citizens to surrender all worldly possessions to Zod seem a bit flawed? After all, how many toaster ovens do you really need? Surely you are now in possession of multiple vacuum cleaners, stereo systems, weed whackers, etc. What use have you for all of this? i fail to understand why such a system has been implemented. Collecting the money of your subjects is a worthwhile endeavor, but I'm not sure that demanding all of their material possessions is. Please explain.     -- Den Dennis
    A. What right do you have to demand a full accounting from me, mortal? How dare you test my patience.

    Q. Do you realize that there is one man on this planet who will never kneel to you? That being Mr. T?     -- Bishop
    A. Yes, this is the man who still owns half of the jewelry in the continent, which I expect shall be given in tribute to me. If I am elected, I shall have his head!

    Q. Oh great and wise Zod, Most of your revisions to the present system seem inspired, insasmuch as they are simply more blunt restatements of the status quo. I respect your honesty and intelligence for this bold move.
              I do have one question about the "all worldly possessions" order...not so much for my benefit as for yours. While it surely results in an overflowing abundance of video games, Jordache jeans and lawn implements, I fear that this will not serve you in the long run.
              The pure genius of capitalism is the recognition of mankind's inherent self-interest. Left to their own devices, without guidance, morals or education, humans will serve themselves. Capitalism simply accepts this and works to create a functioning society from this self-interest. Those who are enlightened and use their energy and wealth to help others are welcome to do so...but even if these people didn't exist, the economy would still work. Under communism and other such systems, wherein all people are expected to disregard their human nature in order to create a functioning society, the self-interested undermine the society and it limps or fails.
              By your decree, we are to give all worldly goods to you in exchange for our lives. If this is the case, why should anyone work all that hard to generate new capital to buy additional goods if all goods then become yours? Forced labor will certainly keep us toiling, but there will be no further rewards for you. Even under the most onerous taxes (as high as 9/10ths of income for the wealthiest percentile before Kennedy's tax cuts), there was still SOME hope that our labors would benefit ourselves.
              Under our yellow sun, your solar-powered cells will doubtless grant you exceedingly long life. Thinking long-term would seem in order, as I'm sure you don't want industries and businesses to fail. What items could we turn over to you then?
              I should think that turning our economy...indeed, all the world's economies, including those that were never capitalist...loose and free, would in the long run generate much more in the way of the best material possessions for you. Turn the economy loose and then demand whatever items you desire, in whatever quantities you desire, in tribute. That would be a small price to pay for a thriving economy. You could siphon off a flat percentage of income and, so long as the world economy is thriving, you'd have more items than before. Better ones, too.
              Please understand that I voice this solution out of concern for your welfare. After all, a stale economy will just keep turning over DVD players to you until there aren't any more; a free economy could invent something totally beyond DVD players in just 20 years.
              I hope that this proposal meets with your approval. I must get off my knees and go back to carrying sugar in the Imperial sugar farm now.

    -- Michael Hutchison, editor, Fanzing, the Independent DC Comics Fanzine

    A. But your words betray you, Michael. Do you imply to General Zod that there will be production capacity that will not be turned loose in tribute to me? You ask why should anyone increase production in a way which would produce additional capital, when this fails to be done in the first place? When I am your ruler I shall expect to hear the sounds of factories operating at maximum capacity, with the toil of the common servant finding love and pride in serving the benevolent father Zod.

    Q. O powerful Zod! Why haven't you taken care of Michael Bolton yet? Surly his leadership of the "BoltHeads" threatens your greatness.     -- GW III
    A. The matter of this defiant Bolton is highest on our level of concerns, and Zod's benevolent administration is doing all it can.

    Q. I am new with Frontpage so I am starting a personal web page and was wondering if I may put a link to this page, I think this is extremely funny and think it is well prepared. Let me know, thanks for your time.     -- Matt
    A. Yes, the decree is that all mortals must link to this candidacy page, under penalty of being forced to listening to the acoustic ruminations of Michael Bolton for 45 minutes. I hear that Superman is a Michael Bolton fan -- what do you think of that?


    The treacherous Bolton; he is to be reported to authorities upon sight.

    Q. General, do you intend for your regime to be as America-centric as that of your predecessors? Knowing that your power extends to control of the entire planet, don't you feel that patterning your Constitution and executive powers after only one state is a little short sighted? Have you studied the political scene in other nations like China, Russia, or the Dominion of Canada?     -- Jay Regner
    A. Yes, my administration mostly seeks to accelerate the expanse of economic power by the few and mighty at the expense of the downtrodden, which is really no different than previous administrations. Therefore I wouldn't expect to see any radical changes, and most of those other nations will rapidly fall under the power of General Zod and all other individuals and corporations who seek to pillage their money and culture.

    Q. Your Worshipfulness, on the day of your arrival, when you ordered the President to kneel before you in the Oval Office, were you tempted to tear the wig off his head and use it for yourself? Obviously your superpowers do not encompass a full and lush hairline.     -- Tommy G.
    A. A clever observation; indeed it is true that the high gamma emissions from our binary star have created conditions ripe for alopecia. Thankfully your ruler enjoys the services of the Hair Club for Men. See the images at right for an example of what they have done for me. Remember, I am not only a client. I am also to be the President.

    Copyright ©2005, 2007 Zod2008.com



    • NEWSWIRE

    Kneel before Zod!
    RAPID CITY (AP) -- The ideological and spiritual source of the "Kneel Before Zod" campaign is General Zod, outstanding leader of the national liberation movement of the United States. Reflected in the idea are the love of might and absolute trust in the ruler. General Zod embarked upon the road of revolution with the idea as valuable ideological and spiritual pabulum and mixed himself with the people to find a new road of the revolution. While in the Phantom Zone in 1979, he came to have the idea that one can win a victory only when one is responsible for the revolution in one's country and carries it out in reliance on the strength of one's people.

    Zod inspects Army unit in Iraq
    BAQUBA, IRAQ (AP) -- General Zod inspected the command of Third Brigade, First Infantry Division Thursday in Baquba, northeast of Baghdad. He dropped in at the operation commanding room to learn about the unit's performance of duty from its commander. He set forth the tasks to be fulfilled by the unit to increase its combat capability in every way, expressing satisfaction over the fact that its soldiers dedicate their own lives to their missions. Then he looked round the gymnasium, vegetable greenhouse and other places of the unit. Going round the compound of the unit kept neat and tidy like a park, he said that this vividly shows the proud appearance of the U.S. Army. Noting that in recent years the unit has done a lot of things in all aspects including the work to bolster its combat capability and its management, he highly appreciated its achievements. At the end of his inspection he together with servicepersons of the combined unit enjoyed an entertainment performance given by Jeff Foxworthy and R.E.M.

    Do not watch treacherous exercise video
    RAPID CITY -- The Campaign Organization of General Zod warns against viewing the YouTube video Bod by Zod, which was submitted July 12 by "CJ". With the stepped up campaign to deal ruthlessly with political hooligans, Zod has declared that this counter-revolutionary joke "flies in the face of a wise discussion on the future of this country".

    German friendship committee hails Zod
    MUNICH -- The Germany-Zod Friendship and Solidarity Committee (GZFSC) released an information bulletin on July 6 which praised the glorious revolutionary career of the President in its articles titled "The Kneeling Idea and the Whole Life of General Zod". The chairman of GZFSC referred in detail to the undying exploits performed by the General, adding that the immortal exploits performed by him before the country and humankind will shine long.

    Picture of General Zod hung in Memphis Auto Zone
    MEMPHIS -- A large picture of General Zod was hung in Auto Zone #481 in south Memphis with due ceremony. The participants laid tribute of R-134 cans and motor oil, and made a bow before the picture hanging near the accessories aisle. The manager said: "Cherishing deep in our mind the pride and honor of working at this Auto Zone with the great portrait of his excellency General Zod, we will invigorate our auto parts sales numbers and add lustre to the dignity and honor of the store. The future President will always be with us, and the friendship and solidarity between this retail crew and the General's administration will be everlasting." The participants then went to the parts counter for a refreshment of Dr. Pepper and Slim Jims.

    Americans Urged to Maintain Strong National Self-Esteem
    RAPID CITY -- The American nation has nothing to fear as it is inspired by the great military machine defending its dignity and sovereignty, said General Zod in a prepared speech delivered in Denver Monday. These are trying times. Graft and corruption runs rampant in the current administration. Your peacemaking expedition in Iraq is falling into ruin. Unemployment is soaring, masked by distorted measuring methods. The public debt is at astronomical levels. "I say to you: the 2008 elections are close at hand. Maintain your courage! Find your self-esteem. Your esteem preserves your dignity. It serves as a powerful mental weapon to see you through these dark ages. "The Americans live in factions, separated into red states and blue states, through the partition imposed upon them by exploited culture, cronyism, and gerrymandering. Yet I propose that the spirit of defending one's honor is still alive. "The nation of Zod will wield armed forces strong enough to defeat any formidable enemy. No force can match such invincible forces, the tremendous deterrent for self-defence which the American people shall build under the uplifted banner of Zod, with a will not to allow any aggressors to infringe upon the dignity and sovereignty of the nation in the least." The speech was met with thunderous applause.

    Fidel Castro Sends Large Floral Basket to General Zod
    HAVANA -- Cuban leader Fidel Castro, currently in seclusion, presented a large floral basket at General Zod's office on the occasion of the anniversary of the General's demise from the Phantom Zone. Written on the ribbon of the floral basket were letters reading "Highest tribute to my Eternal Ruler, emperor of the Planet Houston, from Fidel Alejandro Castro Ruz, President of Cuba."
    Under instruction of future undersecretary of state Ursa, Castro paid a visit to Zod's office and laid the large floral basket before the portrait of the President, kneeling and paying tribute to him. Castro laid the sum of 2700 Cuban pesos in the provided silver platter.
    The revolutionary leader, speaking of Zod as a brother-in-arms, hoped that he would always live in the hearts of the Cuban people. He expressed thanks to Ursa and Non for the most cordial hospitality accorded to the Cuban delegation during their official visit in Keystone, South Dakota. He stressed that the friendship between Zod's administration and Cuba would last forever.