Zod demands tribute as primaries draw closer
RAPID CITY (AP) -- General Zod issued a demand Thursday for $142 million in tribute for August 2007 to fund his bid for the 2008 Presidential race.
Said Zod at a campaign breakfast, "Now is the time to show your allegience. With an election drawing near, I must rise before you and do these things that are necessary, this campaigning, as it were, to take my rightful place in the White House.
"Today dawns a new era of prosperity! All citizens shall joyously offer half their wages this month. You shall use your phone and dial one of the three agencies allowed to collect these funds. The numbers are
1-800-525-6285,
1-888-397-3742, or
1-800-680-7289. You must give them a credit card or bank account number. If tribute is not forthcoming, rest assured these agencies have all powers to appropriate what is yours! They shall enslave you, and one day, your heirs!"
The General's campaign office could not be reached for comment.
The General meets farmers
KANSAS CITY (AP) -- General Zod met with a group of farmers at a rally in Bethany, Missouri on August 8. The farmers begged Zod to "tear down this monstrosity of corporate welfare" and address the needs of family farmers, not industrial-sized farms
Said Zod, "Yes, I understand that the American taxpayers give $10 billion to agribusiness every year. The majority of this money is indeed directed to large-scale corporate-owned farming operations like Monsanto, Cargill and Archer Daniels Midland. I concede that these corporations, whatever they are, will never kneel before me. The fact that the $258 billion 2007 Farm Bill was rubber-stamped, even by your spineless Democrats, is a guarantee of the status quo and speaks of powerful and entrenched interests that captivate your Congress. I choose my battles wisely, and in this case I shall double the subsidies to appease these rulers."
"I say to you, I extend my benevolent and merciful protection over you farmers. I shall protect you and your families from the insolent threat of the Guatemalan papaya industry, and the horrors of the Canadian hydroponic tomato operations. These shall never live to see the light of day here in Missouri. All kneel before Zod!"
Zod then departed the rally with great haste, leaving a disappointed crowd where several women were observed crying.
Zod kicks off campaign in Philly
PHILADELPHIA (Reuters) -- General Zod launched his 2008 Presidential bid on July 4, greeted by a crowd of over 25,000.
"I am General Zod!" he bellowed, surveying the masses. "Listen to me, people of the Earth! Today I bring a new order to your planet! Your lands, your homes, your possessions, your very lives -- all of this and more you will gladly give to me! In return, I promise you lower taxes and cheap gas prices!"
The promise was met by wild cheers and a fanfare of balloons and confetti.
He continued: "It is as useless for you to deny me your vote as it is for me to annihilate you. You will only bring death and destruction upon yourselves, while I lose the potential products of your labor. In return for your vote, you will have my generous protection! In other words - you will be allowed to live.
"Hear me now! There is now one law, one order, one ruler who alone will determine your collective destiny! Kneel before me! From this day forward - there is only Zod!"
The reception among the crowd was enthusiastic. Said Doris Eddins, 53, of Trenton, "That's my President right there. I hear he's gonna put a lien on my house, but he's promising tax refunds. You hear that? The President's gonna send me a check!"
Zod is expected to make stops in Cincinnati and Indianapolis tomorrow.
Zod makes appearance on C-SPAN
General Zod appeared on C-SPAN's Washington Journal Thursday. The General discussed how monumentally corrupt rulers strengthened their nations through intimidation, without resorting to petty squabbles, civil wars, and money laundering.
